Evening Reflection: Getting ready to get ready

What I am noticing, what is becoming crystal clear, is that I spend a lot of time and energy getting ready to get ready. As in, as soon as I lose weight, I will… but before I lose weight, I need to …

It’s a vicious cycle that leaves me stuck, frustrated, and bored.

Sometimes my daydreams scare me. They are so real, so raw, so reality based. I dream about washing clothes and going to the grocery story, but in both cases I am completely different than I am now. My space is different. My body is different. My attitude and emotions and interactions are all different. I am a better version of myself. Maybe an impossible version of myself, I don’t know.

I think that’s why my now real life feels so desperate. I close my eyes and escape into the life I wish I had, friends and all. I am the me I rarely allow to see the light of day. I dress differently. I behave differently.

So which is the real me? I can literally taste and feel that life. And then I open my eyes and move my heavy body to the uncomfortable couch to sit in front of a computer to work on projects I don’t want to work on.

It is such a disconnect and such a painful reminder of what I don’t have.

Is that life - my dream life - is that possible? Can I live it now? Can I bring it into the light?

It’s like I am getting ready here to live the life I was meant to have there. Here being now and Talbott. There being later (not specific) and anywhere but here (Boulder, DC, Brooklyn, Wilmington).

I don’t see the bridge between the two. I don’t see how to close the gap. I don’t see a path to that life.

And that’s what scares me because it means I am stuck here, getting ready to get ready for a life I will never have.

Just living a life I hate as I get ready to get ready.