Who is making decisions for you?

I have a big dream. But it depends upon me being seen. It means putting myself out there on social media. It means opening myself up to ugly comments from no-profile-face trolls.

I’ve been telling. myself that I’m not ready to face those faceless meanies. So I wait. Until I have more capacity. Until my message is stronger. Until I’ve lost more weight. Until I have more clout.

By doing that, by waiting until… I have allowed strangers to derail my purpose.

And that just pisses me off.

In “How Intelligent People Can Create a Powerful Purpose for Their Lives,” author Isaiah Hankel, Ph.D. writes:

“Determining your ultimate purpose in life is the toughest decision you will ever make, which is why so few people actively decide on one. Instead, most people let life make this critical decision for them. These people fritter their lives away in an endless stream of tiny, meaningless decisions that elicit no great change and leave no real impact. They spend all their time and resources putting out day-to-day fires and focusing on short-term objectives.”

Focusing on short-term goals.

Instead of.

Your Personal Everest. Whatever that is for you.

It’s time to take back your purpose. Reclaim your path. Rewrite your impossible.

When we become the ones making decisions for our lives, instead of family, friends, society, even online trolls, we gain the ability to focus on what needs to happen to reach our summit.

Nothing can stand in the way.
No excuse can withstand the fire.
Nobody can question your beleif (not even yourself).

You make decisions for you.

You’re the only one who can.

The only one.

How empowering is that?

I hear you need more time

You’ve set BIG goals for 2024.

Life changing.
Mind altering.
Habit shifting.
Belief busting.
Karmic clearing.
Gut churning.
Anxiety causing.

G-O-A-L-S.

Good for you. How exciting. Day 2 and you’re making a plan.

But before you can make the plan, you’ve got to do some research.
But before you can do research, you need to listen to your inner wisdom.
But before you can listen to your inner wisdom, you need to find that perfect guided medition.
But before…

You realize you aren’t ready. Too much needs to happen before you can take the first step. Too much needs to be decided. Too much needs to happen.

All of it is within you control (did you forget that part?).

You may not feel like you are in the right place to begin your journey. I hear you.

You want more time to get ready.

More time to lose weight.
More time to save money.
More time to get organized.
More time to decide…

What will it take to just be ready?

What will it take to commit to your dream today?

Don’t worry about tomorrow. But today, can you do something to move your dream forward?

Nothing big. An email. A quick research. A social media post. An invitation, An interview. An investment.

A blog post (this blog post).

Do that one thing today. Then tomorrow, do it again.

Then do it again.

And again.

Recommit every day to rewrite your impossible.

That’s what it takes to live a life of AWE. That’s what it takes to summit your personal Everest.

Can you do that? One thing. Just for today.

And just like that...here we go!!!

It’s been more than a year since I last officially trained for my Everest Basecamp trip. Clearly, I didn’t go this year. Not because there was a global pandemic, but because I gave up. I stopped training when I determined it wasn’t getting easier and I wasn’t seeing results so why bother.

I am embarrassed to say it. That a dream I’ve held for more than 20 years can be broken with just a belief that it is too hard.

I’ve been filled with a wild range of emotions all day.

Fear that they won’t allow me to join them because of my current weight and physical condition.
Fear that I won’t be able to lose the weight and train enough to be ready for the trek.
Fear that I will get to Nepal and not be able to make it to Basecamp or worse, hold back my team.

Terrified I won’t have the money to make the deposit or pay for the flights or anything else I need to make this happen.
Disappointed that I have waited so long.
Disappointed that I can’t trust myself to not quit again.
Frustrated that I am still struggling to stay focused and do the work. I want this so why do I keep quitting?
Freaked out because I have to make sure my business can handle being off the grid for a month.
Freaked out because to make this real, I have to ask for help.

And that, I feel, is going to be the hardest part for me. I have to ask for help.

I can’t do this alone. I’ll be sharing my journey here. All of it. Even the bad stuff.

Because if I can get over my fear and learn to trust myself again, anyone can.

So, let’s climb a mountain, shall we?

Morning Motivation: Training for Everest one mailbox at a time

I’ve been taught to vision my big dreams; to actually picture myself on top of Mt. Everest or walking into Basecamp for the first time. I am supposed to imagine what it would feel like, smell like, taste like. I need to feel that same feeling now to connect with my dream and make it a reality; to use that deep feeling as if it is already done to fuel my training and keep me inspired.

But how does imagining myself at the top of the world connect me at all the being on the couch right now?

That feels WAY too overwhelming and impossible and downright scary. I can look at photos of Everest and cry because I want to see it with my own eyes. I can follow climbers on the mountain right now awaiting the summit window and be in awe of their courage and strength, and even see myself in one of those tents some day. But that doesn’t get me out of bed in the morning.

If I had to wake up each morning and say that I had to go to the gym to train for Everest, I would freak out more days than not. It just feels too far away and too impossible of a dream.

But what I can do is say I need to beat my time yesterday. I need to stick to my training plan. I need to be just a little bit stronger, a little bit faster, a little bit more courageous today than yesterday.

That’s it.

In “Rise of Superman,” Steven Kotler claims that in order to get into flow state (a state of total absorption), the challenge must be 4 percent greater than the skills.

If I were to go out tomorrow with a goal to walk 5 miles in 60 minutes (my target for the start of my official Everest Trek training program from Uphill Athlete that begins on July 9th) - with ease, then I would quickly give up not just the training but the entire dream of climbing Everest because of where I am starting and the distance I have to cover in order to make that even possible.

But if I go out each morning and aim to walk for just 2 more minutes or do just 2 more reps or drink just 2 more cups of water each day, that doesn’t seem so impossible.

It’s not just chunking down the training, but also staying uber-focused on where I am during my workouts.

For example, when I am walking around my neighborhood, I could aim for the typical markers: the fork in the road, the top of the hill, the Brown’s old house, my driveway to track my progress. But right now, even those markers feel impossible.

So I go from mailbox to mailbox. I only have to walk to the next mailbox. That’s it. I can stop if I want to. But I can’t stop until I get there.

One mailbox at a time. I look just a few feet ahead of me - totally doable. But before I know it, I’ve walked 1/4 of a mile. Tomorrow, I go one mailbox further. Just 2 more minutes. That’s it.

Nothing is more inspiring than tracking positive progress.

I can dream BIG but I aim SMALL.

So, how do I plan on training for Mt. Everest? One mailbox at a time.

Morning Motivation: Another week closer to Base Camp

In just a few days, hundreds of people will begin their journey to Everest Base Camp in their attempt to summit the highest peak on Earth. For me, today begins another week of Everest Base Camp planning, fundraising, and most importantly, training.

Sometimes it feels like too much, and that sends me into a panic spiral because Base Camp is the easy part. If I can’t manage that piece of the puzzle, how the hell will I ever make it to the top, much less film it and turn that into something millions of people want to watch.

What I have to remind myself is to only focus on the next step. Right now, that is getting my training program started (yes, started!) and figuring out my business so I can begin bringing in the money I need to make this happen while also leaving plenty of space for training and spending 1 month away from my computer for the BC trip in November.

One thing at a time. Focus. Dedication. Determination.

It all starts with a step. Not a jump or a leap or a marathon. Even a baby step will do.

Just move in the direction of my dreams. Every single day.

Until…

The unwavering power of dreams

I’ve been obsessed with Everest for about 15 years but never did I imagine I would ever stand at the top of the world. I just never believed I had the strength, the courage, the body, the money to do it. But something happens when you bury a dream. It either dies from lack of light, or it feeds off the soil and grows roots, awaiting the day to break through the ground to expose its intentions.

There is nothing inherently special about climbing Everest. Thousands of people have done it. In fact, hundreds of people will begin making their way to Basecamp in a few weeks for their own summit attempt. Half will make it to the top and live to tell about it.

What I am more curious about is not how they got there - hard work, intense training, lots of money can get you to the top with relative ease (from an alpine climbing standpoint).

What I want to know is WHY they got there - more specifically, why they decided they could do something impossible when millions of others sit back and let life happen. What makes them think they can do it? What makes them think they are deserving? What makes them stick with the dream when every day presents opportunities to take the easy path - one not littered with hundreds of frozen bodies.

I guess I am more curious to know if I have what it takes to make it to the top. I wonder what I am capable of. What would I do when faced with the most impossible of situations. How would I fare with the extreme loneliness of training for an event like this?

Would I give up at first failure?
Would I give in and ask for help?
Would I allow myself to truly be seen - all of me, raw and unfiltered?
Would I be able to give up everything - and I do mean everything - to go for my dreams?

I don’t want to be the center of this documentary, but I have a story to tell. A story that I think millions of women - fat women, middle-aged women, single women, women who know they are meant for a life that is more than what they have created - need to hear.

I want to show them what is possible when you go all in on your dreams. Your audacious, impossible, terrifying, expensive, time-consuming, all-encompassing dream.

I want to learn about me. Who am I at my core? What am I made of? What choices do I make when things get tough and why?

Specifically, I want to know how to stop procrastinating and self-sabotaging. I want to learn how to create more flow and alignment in my life. I want a new relationship with money and my desires. I want to find pleasure and joy in the pain that is life. I want to redefine friendships and community. I want to unlearn lazy habits and bad routines. I want to find a sense of inner peace and resilience. But most importantly, I want to know that I can trust myself and that I am the only one coming to save me.

Why now?

I am approaching 50 so I guess now is as good a time as any to have a mid-life crisis. I feel like if I don’t do something major, something to help me rise above the severe depression and anxiety I’ve been experiencing over the past 5 years, that I will be dead before my next milestone birthday. I just can’t handle knowing there is more to life than this and yet feeling so stuck and alone and powerless to do something about it.

So I am doing something about it. This unwavering dream. This call to climb Chomolungma, the Goddess of Inexhaustible Giving, the Goddess Mother of the World.

What scares me most isn’t the training or the dangers on the mountain (yet, that will come), it’s that I can’t do this alone and will have to ask for help. I will have to ask people, friends and strangers, to give me money and/or support for little to nothing in return. I will have to receive support even if/when I don’t think I deserve it because I haven’t “earned” it.

I will have my failures on display for all to see. My bad moods and temper tantrums. My fat belly and wide legs and wrinkly skin. I will open myself up for judgment and scrutiny - from myself and others. It is hard to sympathize with a fat 50-year-old woman who thinks she has what it takes to be an extreme athlete. How do I let go of that pain of not being liked and accepted? It must come from within. From accepting and loving and even liking myself, all parts of myself, first.

I don’t know how 99% of this is going to play out. I have no idea where to find the money to make this a reality. I have no idea how to make a documentary film or how to climb any mountain, much less the tallest one on the planet.

But what I do know is that I have to try. I have to give it all I have because I don’t want to wake up on my 50th birthday and wish I had done something different, something more. I don’t want to regret giving up too soon or not asking for more help or not sacrificing more than I did because my ego was bruised or I was too scared to take action.

I often think, why the rush? She’ll be there when you are ready to climb her. But she won’t, really. Traffic and waste on the mountain are destroying her, and the increasingly rapid impact climate change is having on the weather will only make climbing Everest more extreme, more dangerous.

My hope for this film, for this journey, is to prove to myself what I am capable of when I commit 100% to my dreams and enlist a community to support me in reaching it. My goal is that by documenting it all, I inspire other women - women of all sizes, ages, and abilities - to pursue their own dreams and support each other in achieving that goal.

We are not in this life alone. While climbing is a solo sport, life is not. And for any dream to see the light of day, we have to forget the numbers telling us it is impossible, and trust the unwavering power of our dreams.

This is my journey to the top of the world.

This is my life.

Morning Motivation: All signs point to YES

Something happens when you fully commit to your dreams. It’s not quite like the Paulo Coelho quote,

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

but close. First, you have to more than want something. You have to be willing to lose everything in order to reach your goal. As in both hands and both feet off the wall as you reach toward the higher ledge. As in ALL IN and open to all the pain, heartache, embarrassment, panic, anxiety, shame, blame, fear, and everything else that goes with being obsessed over a single event or purpose.

People will think you are crazy. You do it anyway.
People will tell you no. You ask anyway.
People will warn you’re going too far. You keep going anyway.
People will say you are unrealistic. You dream bigger.
People will claim to worry about you. You remind them why it is important - and keep doing it.
People will push their fears and jealousy on you. You ignore it all and just. keep. going.

For me, this week has been all about doing more and acting bigger. It’s been about actions I can take to make things move faster, how I can be bolder, ways to test my resolve now so I can figure out how to stop my inevitable self-sabotage.

It has meant friends introducing me to friends and offering their services and sharing that they are proud of me. It means connections from out of the blue and experts all the sudden showing up in my Facebook feed. It means business trainings coming in like Flash so I can turn around and make money when before it would take months to go from idea to sales to delivery.

It may not be everything is just falling at my feet, but when I keep my eyes open, it is pretty close.

Morning Motivation: A new relationship with ... everything

When I began thinking about this experience, this journey, I knew I would have to change my relationship with myself - how I treated myself, my body, my emotion, my energy, my fears. I thought that would be the most difficult part of the entire process.

I forgot that I can’t do this alone, so I would also have to release all my resistance around asking for support without anything in return. To ask for help just because I need it and trusting that the person in front of me will say yes and follow through.

I forget that I can’t do this without a lot of money (I mean, a lot), so i would have to surrender to my fear of financial security and safety in order to ask strangers to support my vision. I have to be okay with asking for something with no expectation of return, of not also offering to do something to deserve that money other than follow my dream. To realize - to accept - that I am worthy of every dollar of support, whether it is a $5 donation or a $50,000 grant - I am deserving of it all. And I don’t have to prove anything or give anything away. I am deserving of it right now.

I didn’t realize how much I would have to dip into the audaciousness (on the verge of insanity) that required me to ask for what I want, for what I need. Like asking car dealerships to give me a car or corporations to donate gear or experts to share their expertise or videographers to donate their time and experience.

I have to learn to see myself as worthy, as deserving, as capable of pulling this off. I have to trust that my determination is so rooted in purpose that I can’t fail - that everything is happening FOR me, not TO me.

I am trying not to feel crushed by all that needs to happen; trying not to become paralyzed by all the changes that need to be made and fears that must be faced.

And to be honest, I feel more like me than I ever have in my life. This is who I have always been and who I am meant to be. I just let life bury me in doubt, shame, and hate.

So I get to create a new relationship with everything and that is exciting.

Morning Motivation: Going into the darkest cave

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - Joseph Campbell

I have found my cave and it is dark and scary and filled with every single thing I have ever tried to hide from over my entire life. My fatness, my looks, my failures, my flakiness, my laziness, my lack of follow through. All of it is coming up right now because I took massive action and hired a coach to hold me accountable to this dream.

I don’t know why I though I could create this documentary and not do the audacious things that it takes to make the impossible happen.

The rejections and the vulnerability and the counting on faith.

Holy fuck. This is some big shit.

And yet, I know it must be done. I can prepare myself for the setbacks and also open myself up to receive the support I know I will receive from friends and complete strangers.

To be honest, I think receiving support is going to be harder for me to do. I’ve been told no before. Lots. But for someone to hold my dreams close to their heart and do something - anything - to help me achieve my goal, that is massive for me. That is a self-worth up-leveling. That is a trusting myself to complete this project thing.

The train is leaving the station and I can either stay on the platform and watch it move farther away from me or I can hold on, not 100% committed - and try running beside it for as long as I can hold on in desperation and fear (that sounds fun) or I CAN GET THE FUCK ON BOARD AND RIDE IT OUT - ups and downs and all of it.

100% ALL IN.

I’m on board. I can’t wait for you to join me.

Morning Motivation: It gets easier, right?

I broke my commitment by not posting anything yesterday, even though I started a Morning Inspiration post, I didn’t finish it and, well, I really don’t want to publish what I ate during the day. Let’s just say Girl Scouts are evil and Chinese takeout is delicious. And Mountain Dew.

So, today I am 100% recommitted to my dream. Except that I am two hours behind schedule, sacrificing my workout and writing time to sleep in and now I am eating reheated Chinese takeout instead of my banana protein smoothie. Great start, huh?

I do feel things shifting, but sometimes I wonder if all the change that needs to happen will feel more like an avalanche that I can’t work my way out of. It feels like things will start to pile on my and I won’t be strong enough or rooted enough in my vision to handle the pressure and that I will instead just roll with it or be buried by it all.

I’ve been in comfort zone mode for so long that any bit of change feels enormous. But I can’t stay here. I know I can’t continue to live like this. So that means change. And bold dreams require bold action.

I know I can handle anything that comes my way. I am a strong, smart, resourceful (and privileged) woman. I can figure shit out. I can make things happen.

I just have to get out of my own way. And get out of bed when the alarm goes off.

Evening Reflection: I can feel it in my bones

I had one of the best days I can remember. I got to leave my house. It was eventually a sunny day. I got to see an amazing (Oscar award winning) documentary film that was absolutely breathtaking (Free Solo). I got to shop at Old Time Pottery for some bowls and cups (because all of my food photos look like I only have 3 bowls). I got to eat at a vegan restaurant (yum!). I got to go to Trader Joe’s. And then I got to make a huge investment in my dreams by hiring a coach.

Something happened today that I don’t want to gloss over. I was happy. Like, legit filled with gratitude and hope and awe - happy. I sat in the movie theater and cried knowing that one day these people will be sitting down to watch one of MY documentary films. I spent money wisely, not out of scarcity but out of need. Real need and not the need to fill a hole with things that make me feel whole.

But the biggest thing is hiring a coach (finally) to take my business and my vision to the next level. I have no idea how I am going to afford her. And yet, I can’t NOT have her on my side.

I am excited and hopeful and for the first time in a long time, I am happy.

Training + Eating: This is what happens when I leave the house

Overall, I didn’t do too bad. Could have been worse. Just a few weeks ago, it would have been much worse. I left the house without eating lunch so that forced me to grab something at a fast-food place. There is absolutely nothing healthy on the Sonic menu. I didn’t have time for much since I was heading the the movies to watch Free Solo. I am super proud that I was able to enjoy a movie without missing the popcorn and candy. Yay!

I didn’t realize the vegan restaurant was near my second stop so I had to stop in. The menu is overwhelming so I asked the girl behind the counter what her favorite item was and ordered that. I could have made healthier choices, but damn was it worth it. That Philly Cheesesteak was good!!

I am also proud that I made it through Trader Joe’s without buying a single junk food item, unless you count the vegan cream cheese as junk food (which I do not). I got so many great frozen bags of veggies and grains that can quickly be heated up and tossed with dressing for a fast meal.

I wasn’t hungry when I got home but I really wanted to eat that Un-Lox cream cheese (if you’ve ever had, you know why. It is addicting). So I could have eaten some healthy leftovers or at least measured out what I was going to eat, but I don’t think I was overindulgent and I did decide against a second can of Mountain Dew (even though I really wanted one).

I didn’t drink as much water as I would have liked but honestly, I don’t want to spend time in public bathrooms unless I can help it.

Overall, not bad, but lots of room for improvement. And I still need to make time for working out.

TRAINING

Nope.

EATING

Breakfast (10 am)

Mango Turmeric Smoothie*

Snack (12:45 pm)

Medium order of popcorn chicken from Sonic (with honey-mustard dipping sauce)

Lunch (4 pm)

Vegan Philly Cheesesteak with mushrooms and avocado + spicy cole slaw from Sanctuary Vegan Cafe

Dinner (7:30 pm)

12 oz can of Mountain Dew + Miyokos Un-Lox Dip + Oyster Crackers

* RECIPE FROM THE CENTR APP.

WATER

About 30 ounces

Morning Motivation: Training doesn't stop for the weekend

It’s Saturday and I have a car. Yay! I’m taking this bad boy rental car to Knoxville to catch Free Solo on the big screen, then head to Old Time Pottery for some plates and office decorations, then to Trader Joe’s for all the veganess I can handle.

That means making better food choices away from home. It means getting in my water without having to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes. And it means fining time to move my body - to walk with intention.

What I know for sure is that the training - my journey - doesn’t stop for the weekend. Every minute is an opportunity to learn more about who I am and what I am capable of.

Even on Saturdays.

Evening Reflection: The truth about where I am and how I got here

“Until you take total responsibility for what you have created in your life, you will never have the success you desire.”

I heard those words on a webinar and my stomach dropped. I get the whole personal responsibility concept, but for some reason the idea hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

I am 100% responsible for my weight.
I am 100% responsible for my financial situation.
I am 100% responsible for my business and my clients.
I am 100% responsible for my living arrangements.
I am 100% responsible for my debt.
I am 100% responsible for what I eat.
I am 100% responsible for how I spend my time.
I am 100% responsible for how I treat others.
I am 100% responsible for my family relationships.
I am 100% responsible for my lack of close friends.
I am 100% responsible for my isolation.
I am 100% responsible for my depression.
I am 100% responsible for my thoughts.
I am 100% responsible for my selfishness.
I am 100% responsible for my laziness.
I am 100% responsible for my being stuck out of alignment.
I am 100% responsible for how react to news and politics.
I am 100% responsible for the message I put out into the world.
I am 100% responsible for my lack of passion and drive.
I am 100% responsible for my successes and wins.
I am 100% responsible for surviving this life.
I am 100% responsible for my dreams and desires.
I am 100% responsible for what I do tomorrow.
I am 100% responsible for every single thing I think, feel, do, and say.
I am 100% responsible .

So the truth about how I got here is that I chose to play safe instead of go to film school.
I chose to stay in Tennessee instead of move to California to attend USC.
I chose to become a freelance writer instead of look for a full-time job.
I chose to stay in this house after mom died.
I chose to spend money on things I don’t need and programs I won’t complete.
I chose to eat processed foods and sugary drinks.
I chose to use food to fill the void, ease the pain, erase the memories.
I chose to sit on the couch and not trust my body enough to listen to it beg to move.
I chose to struggle with my business and not market to new clients.
I chose to leave the house a mess and not make necessary repairs.
I chose to pay business programs first before my own personal bills and debt.

I am here because I don’t want to admit the truth - that I am not an entrepreneur. I love working with small groups of amazingly talented people on creative projects that challenge all of my skills. I hate working alone. I miss being a part of a team with a common mission. I hate that copywriting makes me hate to write and distorts my own voice. I am playing small and hiding because I am afraid that I am not smart enough for anyone to believe me.

I am here because I am out of alignment with my soul. And to do my soul’s work, everything must change. And that scares me because I need to be able to make steady money (I want to earn $23K a month with ease) so that I can travel, train for Everest, and make documentary films. But I don’t know how to bring that money in except through freelance copywriting and coaching.

That is where I feel stuck. And I don’t even know which leap I need to take. Leap in my business. Leap to grad school. Leap to a FT job. I have no idea how I want to make money and that is causing a lot of problems in my life.

I don’t know how to surrender any more than I already have, yet I know that is what is being asked of me.

Surrender and trust. Take action anyway.

Training + Eating: The day things went off the rails

I was so excited when I woke up because I was getting a rental car so I could finally leave the house (it has been two weeks since I have seen another human being) and I have actually plans - see A Star Is Born and Free Solo in the theater, then a trip to Trader Joe’s. I mean, that is a great weekend, right?

So, I fixed breakfast and hopped on my client call and things didn’t feel right. My stomach started to really hurt. I thought maybe it was hunger pains; I haven’t really been eating that much. I ate a little bit of leftovers and that didn’t help. I tried oyster crackers and Mountain Dew to settle my stomach. Nothing.

Then I felt super hot - I suddenly had a slight fever (99.0) so I laid down and did a body scan. The best I can figure is that I was having a slight anxiety attack that causes my stomach to hurt to the point where I have to vomit for relief. I used to suffer from this pretty regularly, but haven’t had an episode in quite awhile.

Thing is, I didn’t feel stressed so I couldn’t figure out what I was freaking out about. Then it hit me - I need to change everything in my life. I need to sell my house and move, redesign my business, change my relationship with my family (I am constantly flaking out on them), and change how I see my self and my body. Everything. No wonder my subconscious was a mess.

After some deep breaths and mental cheerleading, I felt better. A few more oyster crackers and back to normal.

But that wasn’t what set the train off the rails. I got my rental car and just drove around town. Freedom. I wanted to go to the coffee shop to journal, but I still hadn’t eaten much (it was around 3 pm at the time) so I decided to grab lunch and then head to the park to write and meditate.

Let’s just say my lunch choices were not aligned with my goals.

TRAINING

Nope.

EATING

Breakfast (9 am)

Almond, Banana, and Date Smoothie*

Snack (11:15 am)

About 1/4 cup of Lentil Fried Rice (leftovers) + 12 oz can of Mountain Dew + about 10 oyster crackers

Lunch (3 pm)

Crispy chicken sandwich with mayo and 2 pickle strips, onion rings, fried cheese curds, medium Mountain Dew from Freddie’s

Dinner

Handful of trail mix

* RECIPE FROM THE CENTR APP.

WATER

About 40 oz

Morning Motivation: When it feels like the road is too long...

I weighed myself yesterday (315 pounds) and wondered how I got here and how am I ever going to reach my dreams which rely on my body being strong, healthy, and fit. My most accounts, it should take me about 2 years to lose the weight (I would love to be around 130-145 pounds) but that means training for Everest with all of this extra baggage. Think what that will do to my knees and back.

It almost feels like it will take too long, and be too hard, so why even bother? I did this to myself so now I have to suffer to undo it to myself.

On most days, those thoughts would have sent me spiraling into a hole of unhealthy food and binge watching. But it didn’t. I stuck with the program and even worked out for the first time in forever.

What I remembered, and what I always need to remember, is that this isn’t really about getting to the summit of Everest. Yes, that is my goal. But it is the journey that I am more curious about, and absolutely committed to.

I’ve spent my whole life knowing that I am capable of more. Wondering if this is all there is to life? Yearning for my own adventures and connections and celebrations. I am not normal. I am not meant to live a normal life. I’ve known that since my first semester of college. So why have I let life control how I live and how I see myself?

Truth is I am in control. I own this one life and this is all I have right now. I can choose to follow my dreams even with the understanding that it will be hard, impossible even, and that there are no guarantees. And I get to choose every single day how I want to live my life. What attitude I want to bring to the day. How I want to be in service to the world.

I am not normal. I have impossible dreams. And I am audacious enough to believe I can reach them.

So when the road feels too long, too bumpy, too curvy, too hilly, and filled with too many roadblocks, I get to remember that it really is about the journey and to sit back and enjoy the view.

Evening Reflection: Why do I choose to struggle?

I’ve listened to a bunch of mindset podcasts and meditations and Facebook Lives over the past few days and one this is crystal clear - I love struggle. I am obsessed with staying stuck. I am thrilled to be playing small.

Why else would I allow myself to get to this weight? To stay in this house in this small town? To keep a business I don’t love doing something that usually causes anxiety? To spend money without responsibility?

I am super committed to this story that is playing out. Everything is going according to plan.

You see, if I just stay stuck, someone will come save me. And if they don’t, I’ll just die here without having to face my fears or deal with rejection. Nobody will tell me I am not talented or remind me I am fat or ask to the fuck do I think I am. Nope, just me and my cats with this computer and a few clients pulling in around $2000 a month.

I could be happy with this life. I could make this my home. I could find friends that I like and do things that my childhood friends do. It would be a good living.

But it isn’t me. I was not born to live this way.

I am different from everyone else. Not special. Different.

I want more. So much more. I want what is ridiculous to want. I want what is impossible.

But I can’t want what is impossible and still be committed to my story.

I have to give one of them up.

As much as each day is focused on eating and training and mindset and growing my business, it must also be about unhooking myself from the story I have lived my entire life so I can write the one that I want.

Unhook. Rewrite. Everyday.

I can choose to struggle. Or I can surrender to the death of my current life so I can rise into the person I need to be to summit Everest.

Every decision brings me closer to one or deepens the claws of the other.

I choose ease.

Training + Eating: So much cooking (and a few hundred punches)

I think I spent more time in the kitchen than in front of my computer. So much cooking but the food was yummy. I don’t do recipes well so I’m always shocked when something comes out tasting good. I finally did a workout from the Centr app and it was no joke - but a lot of fun. I got to pretend to knock out all the excuses I have to keep me from reaching my goals. Boom! Bam! Pow! Felt so good.

TRAINING

MMA: Total Body Stamina workout on the Centr app (I did about half, then spent the other half sweeping the living room)

EATING

Breakfast

Mango & Turmeric Smoothie*

Lunch

Lentil Fried Rice with Kale and Mushrooms* (OMG soooo good)

Snack

12 oz can of Mountain Dew + about 2 Tbsp of trail mix

Dinner

Honey & Ginger Stir-fry with tofu (substituted maple syrup for the honey, stir-fry of carrots, zucchini, green onions, and about 1/4 c of brown rice) *

ALL MY MEALS TODAY + MY WORKOUT CAME FROM THE CENTR APP.

WATER

About the same as yesterday: about 68 ounces

Morning Motivation: It's about time

I was thinking this morning that I wish I was already done with this journey and preparing to head to Everest in a few weeks with the thousands of other climbers with the same dream. The distance between now and then felt impossible.

And then I remembered that time moves fast. I mean, tomorrow is the first day of March, in the year 2019. How did that happen? My wishing time would speed up doesn’t need to happen. Time moves fast enough as it is.

Also, I need the time to learn the lesson. To overcome the challenges. To dance with my fears. To grow into the person I need to be in order to summit the tallest peak in the world.

Bypassing all of that just so I don’t have to wait is ridiculous. I am telling myself I don’t trust that I will stick with this. That if it doesn’t happen soon, while I am still this committed, that it won’t happen because I have a history of giving up.

But here’s the thing. History is just time in which lessons can be extracted. Yes, I failed a lot. Mostly, I never even tried. Lots of planning and not a lot of doing.

With every failure I can examine what worked and what didn’t, and then take those lessons into my present situation so things that stood in my way won’t be repeated.

Most importantly, though, is that even with this big dream, I have no idea what the Universe is going to throw my way. I’m not supposed to. That is part of the fun of being a human. All I can do is listen to soul’s desires, live and act in service to my purpose, and move accordingly to my heart’s calls. If that leads me to the summit of Everest, awesome. If not, then imagine the journey in store for me.

So when I ask the Universe to guide me to the top of the world or something better, imagine what that could mean.

Only time will tell. And I am committed to loving every step of the journey.

Evening Reflection: Getting ready to get ready

What I am noticing, what is becoming crystal clear, is that I spend a lot of time and energy getting ready to get ready. As in, as soon as I lose weight, I will… but before I lose weight, I need to …

It’s a vicious cycle that leaves me stuck, frustrated, and bored.

Sometimes my daydreams scare me. They are so real, so raw, so reality based. I dream about washing clothes and going to the grocery story, but in both cases I am completely different than I am now. My space is different. My body is different. My attitude and emotions and interactions are all different. I am a better version of myself. Maybe an impossible version of myself, I don’t know.

I think that’s why my now real life feels so desperate. I close my eyes and escape into the life I wish I had, friends and all. I am the me I rarely allow to see the light of day. I dress differently. I behave differently.

So which is the real me? I can literally taste and feel that life. And then I open my eyes and move my heavy body to the uncomfortable couch to sit in front of a computer to work on projects I don’t want to work on.

It is such a disconnect and such a painful reminder of what I don’t have.

Is that life - my dream life - is that possible? Can I live it now? Can I bring it into the light?

It’s like I am getting ready here to live the life I was meant to have there. Here being now and Talbott. There being later (not specific) and anywhere but here (Boulder, DC, Brooklyn, Wilmington).

I don’t see the bridge between the two. I don’t see how to close the gap. I don’t see a path to that life.

And that’s what scares me because it means I am stuck here, getting ready to get ready for a life I will never have.

Just living a life I hate as I get ready to get ready.