Evening Reflection: Why do I choose to struggle?

I’ve listened to a bunch of mindset podcasts and meditations and Facebook Lives over the past few days and one this is crystal clear - I love struggle. I am obsessed with staying stuck. I am thrilled to be playing small.

Why else would I allow myself to get to this weight? To stay in this house in this small town? To keep a business I don’t love doing something that usually causes anxiety? To spend money without responsibility?

I am super committed to this story that is playing out. Everything is going according to plan.

You see, if I just stay stuck, someone will come save me. And if they don’t, I’ll just die here without having to face my fears or deal with rejection. Nobody will tell me I am not talented or remind me I am fat or ask to the fuck do I think I am. Nope, just me and my cats with this computer and a few clients pulling in around $2000 a month.

I could be happy with this life. I could make this my home. I could find friends that I like and do things that my childhood friends do. It would be a good living.

But it isn’t me. I was not born to live this way.

I am different from everyone else. Not special. Different.

I want more. So much more. I want what is ridiculous to want. I want what is impossible.

But I can’t want what is impossible and still be committed to my story.

I have to give one of them up.

As much as each day is focused on eating and training and mindset and growing my business, it must also be about unhooking myself from the story I have lived my entire life so I can write the one that I want.

Unhook. Rewrite. Everyday.

I can choose to struggle. Or I can surrender to the death of my current life so I can rise into the person I need to be to summit Everest.

Every decision brings me closer to one or deepens the claws of the other.

I choose ease.