Evening Reflection: The truth about where I am and how I got here

“Until you take total responsibility for what you have created in your life, you will never have the success you desire.”

I heard those words on a webinar and my stomach dropped. I get the whole personal responsibility concept, but for some reason the idea hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

I am 100% responsible for my weight.
I am 100% responsible for my financial situation.
I am 100% responsible for my business and my clients.
I am 100% responsible for my living arrangements.
I am 100% responsible for my debt.
I am 100% responsible for what I eat.
I am 100% responsible for how I spend my time.
I am 100% responsible for how I treat others.
I am 100% responsible for my family relationships.
I am 100% responsible for my lack of close friends.
I am 100% responsible for my isolation.
I am 100% responsible for my depression.
I am 100% responsible for my thoughts.
I am 100% responsible for my selfishness.
I am 100% responsible for my laziness.
I am 100% responsible for my being stuck out of alignment.
I am 100% responsible for how react to news and politics.
I am 100% responsible for the message I put out into the world.
I am 100% responsible for my lack of passion and drive.
I am 100% responsible for my successes and wins.
I am 100% responsible for surviving this life.
I am 100% responsible for my dreams and desires.
I am 100% responsible for what I do tomorrow.
I am 100% responsible for every single thing I think, feel, do, and say.
I am 100% responsible .

So the truth about how I got here is that I chose to play safe instead of go to film school.
I chose to stay in Tennessee instead of move to California to attend USC.
I chose to become a freelance writer instead of look for a full-time job.
I chose to stay in this house after mom died.
I chose to spend money on things I don’t need and programs I won’t complete.
I chose to eat processed foods and sugary drinks.
I chose to use food to fill the void, ease the pain, erase the memories.
I chose to sit on the couch and not trust my body enough to listen to it beg to move.
I chose to struggle with my business and not market to new clients.
I chose to leave the house a mess and not make necessary repairs.
I chose to pay business programs first before my own personal bills and debt.

I am here because I don’t want to admit the truth - that I am not an entrepreneur. I love working with small groups of amazingly talented people on creative projects that challenge all of my skills. I hate working alone. I miss being a part of a team with a common mission. I hate that copywriting makes me hate to write and distorts my own voice. I am playing small and hiding because I am afraid that I am not smart enough for anyone to believe me.

I am here because I am out of alignment with my soul. And to do my soul’s work, everything must change. And that scares me because I need to be able to make steady money (I want to earn $23K a month with ease) so that I can travel, train for Everest, and make documentary films. But I don’t know how to bring that money in except through freelance copywriting and coaching.

That is where I feel stuck. And I don’t even know which leap I need to take. Leap in my business. Leap to grad school. Leap to a FT job. I have no idea how I want to make money and that is causing a lot of problems in my life.

I don’t know how to surrender any more than I already have, yet I know that is what is being asked of me.

Surrender and trust. Take action anyway.