Training + Eating: Sunny days and walking with barefeet

For a Wednesday, it wasn’t too bad. I did move my body but not enough as I would like. My mindset work is feeling good - energizing and possible. I would like to start meditating again. Man, got to get my morning routine in place, which means no more late night writing sessions in order to meet deadlines (productivity help, please).

TRAINING

Walked around the yard, bare feet and raggedy clothes, for about 10 minutes. Nothing impressive, except that I moved my body. Yay!

EATING

Breakfast

Chocolate Avocado Smoothie (yum!)

Lunch

Soba noodles with tempeh, zucchini, kale, green onions, broccoli slaw, and peanut sauce
12 oz can of Mountain Dew

Dinner

Leftovers from lunch
12 oz can of Mountain Dew (boo!)

WATER

Doing better still - 3 + mason jars - about 68 ounces

Morning Motivation: When the clouds roll in...

It’s Wednesday morning and the clouds have returned, physically and metaphorically. I have no idea what I want to do with my business, except that I know copywriting is making me a nervous wreck who constantly questions my ability to write. And without my writing, I am nothing. I am a Writer. So when a client changes every.single.word on a sales page, I start to lose my way.

I need to take some serious, crazy, audacious leaps in my life. Not small ones that can be forgotten or glossed over within a few days. But some “holy fuck, what is she doing and who does she think she is” changes.

And I am terrified.

What if I am not good enough?
What if I am that lazy?
What if I am that stupid (or at least not smart enough to be seen as the expert in whatever I need to be an expert in)?
What if I am that much of a coward?
What if I am supposed to play small, stay in my lane, not make waves, just exist?

I am nothing special.
I am nothing important.
I am nothing …

But I am a child of God. And when God puts something in your heart that is so big, and feels so right, how can I question whether this is what I am meant to do?

They say that the Universe never gives you a challenge you can’t handle, a problem you can’t solve, a dream you can’t reach, a path you can’t follow (or blaze).

The hard part is not the accepting of the challenge. I have already done that.

The hard part is every single day reminding myself that this is what I am meant to do. And everything that I have to give up, everything I have to lose, everything I have to burn down in order to stay aligned with my calling, that is the work.

The sun doesn’t go away when the clouds roll in. It is still warming the planet and doing its thing just like it was always meant to do.

So today, my dreams of Everest may feel distant and less possible, it is still my path home to myself.

Evening Reflection: Hope lives here

Living with depression is scary. I never know what will set me off. I never know if I am hours or even minutes away from the spiral that ends it all. Thankfully, there is nothing in this house to help me end it all with ease, and I’ve never really been to that point, but I’ve been close enough for comfort.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful. I feel what is possible. I accept that something even better than what I think is possible is in fact possible. I am excited about what is to come.

I still feel like this could all go away in an instant. That I’ll remember all the promises I broke, all the dreams I forgot, all the plans I ignored. And I am scared to tell anyone what I want because they’ve heard it before and then watched me not follow through. I would never follow through.

But now I have this, accountability, and absolutely nothing to lose. Every part of my life is open for transformation - my health, my body, my business, my relationships, my space. All of it.

So for now, hope lives here. May she always feel welcome.

Training + Eating: God bless leftovers

I didn’t workout today... again.

I blame it on crazy late writing bursts and looming deadlines. But really it is because I am not preparing the night before. Fail to plan and plan to fail. Tomorrow, I will do better.

What I ate, on the other hand, was on point. I am proud of myself for that.

TRAINING

None

EATING

Breakfast

1/2 bottle of green juice (kale, coconut water, apple, spinach)

Lunch

Leftover tacos with 1/2 avocado and broccoli slaw
12 oz can of Mountain Dew

Snack

1/3 cup of trail mix with 2 small blocks of Trader Joe’s dark chocolate

Dinner

Leftover bean mix (kidney beans and onions cooked with salsa) on top of a medium sweet potato
Topped with 2 Tbsp of almond yogurt mixed with Sriracha, 1/2 lime juiced, and cilantro

WATER

Doing better - 3 mason jars - about 60 ounces

Morning Motivation: Second verse, same as the first

Another sunny day (two in a row, yay!) and I am feeling more hopeful than yesterday, although I didn’t wake up to my alarm clock (turned it off this time) and haven’t worked out yet, but at least breakfast isn’t as bad as yesterday and I am feeling more positive and hopeful.

I am grateful for so many things that sometimes I forget how truly lucky I am to be alive. The world is such an incredibly beautiful place, filled with incredibly beautiful people. I was given the gift of storytelling. Imagine what I can do with that gift. Imagine the people I can meet, the places I can go, the stories I can tell.

I was given this body - and its struggles - and what a gift it is. I get to find deep meaningful ways to love me even when I don’t love how I look. I get to discover how to tune out hateful, hurtful, harmful comments about my weight so I am prepared to do the same when I tell profound stories that create confrontation because it demands a new way of seeing and talking about specific issues. I get to push my physical limits past what I think is possible not only for myself, but of human beings. I get to fuel my body with the most wonderful and delicious foods and inspire others to enjoy what the Earth has to offer. I get to ignore those who tell me that I am too fat to climb, too old to be an athlete, too lazy to go after my dreams.

I was given this business and all of its challenges to help me see what I am truly meant to do (hint: It ain’t this). To finally accept and honor my path as an important storyteller and documentarian. As in, future generations will rely on my words to shape their brains. Future leaders will point to my work as proof of what humans are capable of and do the right thing to protect animals, the environment, and the marginalized.

My biggest obstacle isn’t being stuck. It’s refusing to see all the signs laid out in front of me that tell me where I am going wrong - and looking at the inverse to see where I am actually being led to go.

All of this pain and torment I am causing myself is because I refuse to admit what is right in front of me. This life, the life I have built for myself, is not mine to live. So I get to create it. Starting now.

Evening Reflection: Something's gotta change

I swear I am a night owl, but maybe it is because I really don’t like life right now and only feel comfortable in the dark. I get more done between 9 pm and 2 am than any other time of the day.

Can we talk about sabotaging?

There is no way I can do what I want to do and still work like this. Not only is it unprofessional (my clients deserve a lot better), it is unproductive. I wasted so much time today. So much time.

When does the sense of urgency kick in? When do I feel the pressure, the rush, the adrenaline of having a deadline breathing down my neck and how can I force myself to make that urgency appear in the morning?

It’s 1:34 am and I am supposed to get up at 6 am to work out.

Yep, that’s some serious self sabotaging.

Especially since I didn’t finish one client project I was supposed to, and the other project is a mess and needs to be rewritten.

Something’s gotta change.

For sure.

Training + Eating: Does washing dishes count as training?

I didn’t workout today. I was supposed to walk around the block (1 mile) at 6 am. The battery on my phone (aka my alarm) died overnight so I woke up at my regular time of 7:30 am. And that is when the spiraling began (see today’s Morning Motivation). And that led to doing things as usual - “working” while not actually getting anything done and drinking what is my version of crack - Mountain Dew.

That was around 10 am. I didn’t eat lunch until about 3 pm, so I was proud that I actually had something not as embarrassing to photograph. Then dinner was at 7 pm. I drank two jars of water - about 5 cups or 40 oz. That isn’t much so definitely need to work on that tomorrow.

Overall, knowing that I was going to take a picture of every single thing I ate and publish it on this site really made me think about what I was going to make. For now, at least.

But good gosh did I have to wash a lot of dishes today.

TRAINING

None

EATING

Breakfast

12 oz can of Mountain Dew
Small handful of trail mix with banana chips, raisins, walnuts, and almonds

Lunch

Quinoa Bean Veggie Burger (from Aldi)
Two handfuls of arugula with homemade balsamic vinaigrette, 1/2 large pear, 2 Tbsp walnuts

Dinner

Vegan Tacos
Filling #1 - red onion, 1/2 zucchini, 2 large mushrooms, cumin, cayenne pepper, S/P
Filling #2 - kidney beans, red onion, 1/2 cup salsa, 1/2 lime
Filling #3 - broccoli slaw with sweet & spicy dressing + 1/2 lime
Topped with 1/2 avocado, cilantro, Sriracha

Morning Motivation: Day One and already failing

Welcome to my journey from the couch to the top of the world. It’s Monday morning and I’ve already had one meltdown, two breakdowns, and three thoughts about just giving it all up.

I thought about starting this project later, when I have my shit together and can look “better” to the world. It would all be a lie and the entire reason I am doing this - chronicling my progress publicly - is so I can see for myself how I am doing and create proof that I am moving forward.

You can’t improve what you don’t track. You also can’t appreciate what you don’t acknowledge.

So, my inspiration for the morning is this: I know this is possible. I know that I have it in me to get to the summit of Everest, despite the story I tell myself.

I am my biggest roadblock. My darkest cave. My deepest crevasse. Whatever it takes to get unstuck from where I am right now, that is my next summit.

Connecting my dreams to my body so I learn to trust myself again.
Listening to my heart instead of my head so I act on my desires instead of what I think I should be doing.
Believing more in what I know I am capable of so I can ward off the depression that is always surrounding me.

I want so desperately to know the how.
I want so desperately to be told and/or shown exactly what to do next.
I want so desperately for this to be easier.

As if any path to my dreams would be easy. As any path to the summit would be easy.

So, I continue on my day.

Working on client projects. Figuring out what to do with my business so it brings in the money I need in less time so I can the space and financial support to train for this mission, my mission.

As far as first days go, it just is. Attaching emotions to the days isn’t going to help me stay positive or stop my downward spiral. So let’s call this day just another Monday.