Evening Reflection: I can feel it in my bones

I had one of the best days I can remember. I got to leave my house. It was eventually a sunny day. I got to see an amazing (Oscar award winning) documentary film that was absolutely breathtaking (Free Solo). I got to shop at Old Time Pottery for some bowls and cups (because all of my food photos look like I only have 3 bowls). I got to eat at a vegan restaurant (yum!). I got to go to Trader Joe’s. And then I got to make a huge investment in my dreams by hiring a coach.

Something happened today that I don’t want to gloss over. I was happy. Like, legit filled with gratitude and hope and awe - happy. I sat in the movie theater and cried knowing that one day these people will be sitting down to watch one of MY documentary films. I spent money wisely, not out of scarcity but out of need. Real need and not the need to fill a hole with things that make me feel whole.

But the biggest thing is hiring a coach (finally) to take my business and my vision to the next level. I have no idea how I am going to afford her. And yet, I can’t NOT have her on my side.

I am excited and hopeful and for the first time in a long time, I am happy.

Evening Reflection: The truth about where I am and how I got here

“Until you take total responsibility for what you have created in your life, you will never have the success you desire.”

I heard those words on a webinar and my stomach dropped. I get the whole personal responsibility concept, but for some reason the idea hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

I am 100% responsible for my weight.
I am 100% responsible for my financial situation.
I am 100% responsible for my business and my clients.
I am 100% responsible for my living arrangements.
I am 100% responsible for my debt.
I am 100% responsible for what I eat.
I am 100% responsible for how I spend my time.
I am 100% responsible for how I treat others.
I am 100% responsible for my family relationships.
I am 100% responsible for my lack of close friends.
I am 100% responsible for my isolation.
I am 100% responsible for my depression.
I am 100% responsible for my thoughts.
I am 100% responsible for my selfishness.
I am 100% responsible for my laziness.
I am 100% responsible for my being stuck out of alignment.
I am 100% responsible for how react to news and politics.
I am 100% responsible for the message I put out into the world.
I am 100% responsible for my lack of passion and drive.
I am 100% responsible for my successes and wins.
I am 100% responsible for surviving this life.
I am 100% responsible for my dreams and desires.
I am 100% responsible for what I do tomorrow.
I am 100% responsible for every single thing I think, feel, do, and say.
I am 100% responsible .

So the truth about how I got here is that I chose to play safe instead of go to film school.
I chose to stay in Tennessee instead of move to California to attend USC.
I chose to become a freelance writer instead of look for a full-time job.
I chose to stay in this house after mom died.
I chose to spend money on things I don’t need and programs I won’t complete.
I chose to eat processed foods and sugary drinks.
I chose to use food to fill the void, ease the pain, erase the memories.
I chose to sit on the couch and not trust my body enough to listen to it beg to move.
I chose to struggle with my business and not market to new clients.
I chose to leave the house a mess and not make necessary repairs.
I chose to pay business programs first before my own personal bills and debt.

I am here because I don’t want to admit the truth - that I am not an entrepreneur. I love working with small groups of amazingly talented people on creative projects that challenge all of my skills. I hate working alone. I miss being a part of a team with a common mission. I hate that copywriting makes me hate to write and distorts my own voice. I am playing small and hiding because I am afraid that I am not smart enough for anyone to believe me.

I am here because I am out of alignment with my soul. And to do my soul’s work, everything must change. And that scares me because I need to be able to make steady money (I want to earn $23K a month with ease) so that I can travel, train for Everest, and make documentary films. But I don’t know how to bring that money in except through freelance copywriting and coaching.

That is where I feel stuck. And I don’t even know which leap I need to take. Leap in my business. Leap to grad school. Leap to a FT job. I have no idea how I want to make money and that is causing a lot of problems in my life.

I don’t know how to surrender any more than I already have, yet I know that is what is being asked of me.

Surrender and trust. Take action anyway.

Evening Reflection: Why do I choose to struggle?

I’ve listened to a bunch of mindset podcasts and meditations and Facebook Lives over the past few days and one this is crystal clear - I love struggle. I am obsessed with staying stuck. I am thrilled to be playing small.

Why else would I allow myself to get to this weight? To stay in this house in this small town? To keep a business I don’t love doing something that usually causes anxiety? To spend money without responsibility?

I am super committed to this story that is playing out. Everything is going according to plan.

You see, if I just stay stuck, someone will come save me. And if they don’t, I’ll just die here without having to face my fears or deal with rejection. Nobody will tell me I am not talented or remind me I am fat or ask to the fuck do I think I am. Nope, just me and my cats with this computer and a few clients pulling in around $2000 a month.

I could be happy with this life. I could make this my home. I could find friends that I like and do things that my childhood friends do. It would be a good living.

But it isn’t me. I was not born to live this way.

I am different from everyone else. Not special. Different.

I want more. So much more. I want what is ridiculous to want. I want what is impossible.

But I can’t want what is impossible and still be committed to my story.

I have to give one of them up.

As much as each day is focused on eating and training and mindset and growing my business, it must also be about unhooking myself from the story I have lived my entire life so I can write the one that I want.

Unhook. Rewrite. Everyday.

I can choose to struggle. Or I can surrender to the death of my current life so I can rise into the person I need to be to summit Everest.

Every decision brings me closer to one or deepens the claws of the other.

I choose ease.

Evening Reflection: Getting ready to get ready

What I am noticing, what is becoming crystal clear, is that I spend a lot of time and energy getting ready to get ready. As in, as soon as I lose weight, I will… but before I lose weight, I need to …

It’s a vicious cycle that leaves me stuck, frustrated, and bored.

Sometimes my daydreams scare me. They are so real, so raw, so reality based. I dream about washing clothes and going to the grocery story, but in both cases I am completely different than I am now. My space is different. My body is different. My attitude and emotions and interactions are all different. I am a better version of myself. Maybe an impossible version of myself, I don’t know.

I think that’s why my now real life feels so desperate. I close my eyes and escape into the life I wish I had, friends and all. I am the me I rarely allow to see the light of day. I dress differently. I behave differently.

So which is the real me? I can literally taste and feel that life. And then I open my eyes and move my heavy body to the uncomfortable couch to sit in front of a computer to work on projects I don’t want to work on.

It is such a disconnect and such a painful reminder of what I don’t have.

Is that life - my dream life - is that possible? Can I live it now? Can I bring it into the light?

It’s like I am getting ready here to live the life I was meant to have there. Here being now and Talbott. There being later (not specific) and anywhere but here (Boulder, DC, Brooklyn, Wilmington).

I don’t see the bridge between the two. I don’t see how to close the gap. I don’t see a path to that life.

And that’s what scares me because it means I am stuck here, getting ready to get ready for a life I will never have.

Just living a life I hate as I get ready to get ready.

Evening Reflection: Hope lives here

Living with depression is scary. I never know what will set me off. I never know if I am hours or even minutes away from the spiral that ends it all. Thankfully, there is nothing in this house to help me end it all with ease, and I’ve never really been to that point, but I’ve been close enough for comfort.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful. I feel what is possible. I accept that something even better than what I think is possible is in fact possible. I am excited about what is to come.

I still feel like this could all go away in an instant. That I’ll remember all the promises I broke, all the dreams I forgot, all the plans I ignored. And I am scared to tell anyone what I want because they’ve heard it before and then watched me not follow through. I would never follow through.

But now I have this, accountability, and absolutely nothing to lose. Every part of my life is open for transformation - my health, my body, my business, my relationships, my space. All of it.

So for now, hope lives here. May she always feel welcome.

Evening Reflection: Something's gotta change

I swear I am a night owl, but maybe it is because I really don’t like life right now and only feel comfortable in the dark. I get more done between 9 pm and 2 am than any other time of the day.

Can we talk about sabotaging?

There is no way I can do what I want to do and still work like this. Not only is it unprofessional (my clients deserve a lot better), it is unproductive. I wasted so much time today. So much time.

When does the sense of urgency kick in? When do I feel the pressure, the rush, the adrenaline of having a deadline breathing down my neck and how can I force myself to make that urgency appear in the morning?

It’s 1:34 am and I am supposed to get up at 6 am to work out.

Yep, that’s some serious self sabotaging.

Especially since I didn’t finish one client project I was supposed to, and the other project is a mess and needs to be rewritten.

Something’s gotta change.

For sure.